june 1

yesterday was a productive day. far more so than i had anticipated so thats definately a bonus. i fell asleep reading harry potter since i figured i should start reading again, and i really do love reading. i guess thats going to be the thing i do for myself, well that and write this silliness for no one in particular to read. i wrote back to that message...just as i said short and sweet. truth be told i would have liked to write a novel but really who wants to read that. i wish i could say today has been equally as good. facebook is the devil. thats right being constantly aware of what someone else is doing and who they are friending and what they are writing is terrible for the the broken. i know i know delete him block his updates blah blah blah. it probably would be healthier but we all know that it wont happen, no matter how many breakdowns it incites or how badly i read into it. i know its silly but i started him on country...not nick. and who is this fucking girl that hes friending that has no mutual friends with him...oh and by girl i mean gorgeous perfect bodied girl that makes me feel completely inadequate, as if i didnt already. i know my ex and he is chasing that girl like there is no tomorrow. i may very well be reading into this, but the more likely of the two is i am not and he is trying desperately to throw himself into someone else to help him forget i existed. i wish i could do the same, kudos to you my friend you are far better at moving on than i. i suppose that is all part of being broken as badly as i am. i seriously am beginning to wonder how on earth i could be even partially put together again, enough to fake a life and some happiness. its amazing the things that run through my head, frightening really, youre lucky i dont share every one of them, id be committed by now if i did. i guess this is all part of it, good days and bad, tears and every once and a while a smile. maybe if i smile enough ill actually start to believe it. how am i going to live the rest of my life not talking to him, not saying i love you when i go to bed, not kissing him at red lights, or looking at him in the morning beaming because i love him as much as i did three years ago. time i suppose, time and fake smiles and eventually real ones...hopefully real ones:)