june 12

its funny for some reason on the 12 of every month i think about how old i am...then i think about how when i was younger i planned on being married at 24 and having kids when i was 28, a career was a given. i never thought well what if things didn't work out that way, there was no question, that was just the way it was going to happen. and now here i am 27 and 3 months, with none of the above, self loathing and re-running all the mistakes i've made, negating any accomplishments i had. my old therapist would tell me i need to change my negative view of myself and the world, concentrate on the good things. i am still going to have a career and my eggs haven't shriveled up and died yet, so the possibility of kids isn't totally off the table. and just because its not like i imagined, doesn't mean its not right, its just doesn't feel right, right now.

now i can say these things until im blue in the face, but the fact still remains, im cerebral by nature and i need things to go as planned, i am not spontaneous in that regard, and when things go differently i freak out. i simply cant adapt as i should. i know i need to work on it but its so engrained in me, that changing that integral part of me would change, well me. and that my friends is a very difficult concept to come to grips with, that your personality is self destructive and unhealthy. that being an idealist and a perfectionist is ruining my chance of ever recooperating from this mess.

i am hanging onto this fairytale, an imaginary life i've created in my mind that in all honesty simply wouldn't be attainable with cuteboy. i'd of loved to believe that his family would greet me with open arms, that his sister and i would have been inseperable and we would live happily ever after. but this would not have been the case, i would have unavoidably, albeit my greatest efforts, created a rift between him and his family, and that would have created a rift between us. perhaps love isn't always enough, perhaps it takes more than that. it takes love of course but also acceptance and a willingness to imagine life not as we planned, and to be ok with that. and i hate to say this but i don't think that he could have handled that, and no matter how much he loves/d me that is what it would have come down to. he may very well still love me and deep down want to spend the rest of his life with me, but maybe, just maybe, letting go of that dream, the same fairytale that i so desperately desire, isnt a possibility for him right now. and again albeit my greatest efforts to be enough for him, until he is able to release that image, i will never be.

heavy stuff for a sunday afternoon i am well aware, but as i've said so many times, im cerebral and it may not always work to my best advantage. until tomorrow...