may 30

so i didnt even write last night, does that mean i was out galavanting across town with the most handsome and charming man in the universe...well no. but i was out and my good friend is quite the catch:) he does afterall put up with all my ranting, i mean hes friends with my ex too and that has got to get wearing on one's soul. so eventhough we talked about him, no huge breakdowns, just little minor ones here and there. so yesterday was a good day i suppose. no revelations, no giant well yep im over him lets move on, but no i want to find the walt whitman bridge and jump into the schukhill either (because that water is nasty and would most certainly kill me if the jump didnt).

i did however get a response from a quite pathetic letter i wrote to my ex's best friend from home in a moment of absurd weakness. i mean really who does that, and who is nice enough to actually respond to that craziness. perhaps he just feels bad for me, it was quite the display of please help me. right now i am deliberating writing him back, something short and honest. yes believe it or not i am capable of short.

so goals for today: actually learn something for my boards, possibly write back to that message and breathe...just keep breathing, the whole living thing has to follow that.

may 29

Today has been a bad day. Unproductive and painful. Seriously I cannot get passed this, why? I am making myself sick over this, I can’t eat so at least im getting a bit skinnier which should be a bonus but doesn’t even make me feel better it makes me feel worse. And now here I am at 2 pm on a Sunday already writing. i dont even know why i started this silly blog. it was my sisters idea i suppose, thinking that for some reason my writing ability would be put to good use if it were out in cyberspace or something. it should be cathartic right? but the issue is that i dont even know if it is...it doesnt bring him back, it doesnt make him question his decision and it most certainly doesnt change my outlook, which at this point is dismal at best. and id like to recant my prior entry, thinking that movies are helpful. at this point i am beginning to believe all that they do is provide false hope, a false hope that i should not have right now. i know i need to move on, to give up and say to myself, stephanie why the hell would you want to be in a relationship where the person you love cant stand up for you, where you love someone so much more than they love you, where your inlaws hate you for no reason and will never change their mind no matter how many cards, gifts and expressions of love you send them. any sane person would say good riddens, thank goodness i got out of that mess before i got into deep. yes that would make sense...now only if i could do it.

i almost started crying at the sight of parents walking their baby this morning, oh hello not normal nice to see you. and im not crying because i want a baby and think ill never have one (that is why god invented sperm banks and one night stands). no i almost lost it because that is the way i pictured my life with him, and in all honestly that is how i think he imagined it with me for a really long time. im just not sure when he stopped and i kept going for both of us...hopefully they werent too far away from each other because well then that makes me quite foolish, doesnt it.

so goal for today: breathe, fake a smile at strangers and try to concentrate on all you have right now...school. you do have boards in less than a month that and youve worked so hard for so many years it would be a shame to give up that too. i guess thats all for now, so until tomorrow....

may 28

I’m not sure whether watching ridiculous romantic movies makes me more hopeful that he will come back to me or completely hopeless that my life will ever end up with something even close. And that’s not to say that the characters in the movies have the most perfect lives in all of Hollywood creation (at least not in this one), but that they are somehow able to overcome these seemingly impossible mountains to be together. So I suppose right now I’m in limbo, the optimistic side of me, which is clutching on for dear life at this point as it has been my mainstay for 27 years now, says that he has to come back. Why would they make all of these movies if it never really happened? That would be feeding a false hope for millions upon millions of Americans, and eventually everyone would be so bitter that they would stop watching them. I mean these people are so relatable; seemingly inconspicuous characters go about their seemingly inconspicuous lives all the while living and fighting for someone else. Because if it were all easy and there were no climax really no one would see them, because that doesn’t exist (at least not for the vast majority of people out there). At some point there has to be a challenge, an illness, a parent, distance; something to make you believe that these characters could be you. I guess they never show the heart-breaks that don’t work out, the lost souls that have been so broken that they are no longer fixable, nobody wants to watch that. Then there really wouldn’t be hope, it would be saying here you’re a disaster but newsflash it doesn’t get better, you might as well hand them a gun and say shoot. I cant imagine how hard the heartbroken cling to these stories, doing just as I have just done, finding similarities so striking that you are almost forced to believe that it has to happen to you. I guess when it comes down to it today is more of a denial day than a deal with the current situation and I’m ok with that. I’m ok with going to bed thinking that there’s still a chance; that maybe our challenge isn’t over yet, because then again that means neither are we.

may 27

This is stupid…really really stupid. Why isn’t it ok to just call him tell him this and we’d live just like the fairytale id imagined? Oh Ill tell you why, because at this point I haven’t spoken to him in who knows how long (ok I know how long…again reaffirming my patheticness) and I’m pretty sure he has no anticipation of ever trying to speak to me again, let alone come running into my arms at a statement of the obvious. But really how archaic of a world do you live in that telling your children whom they can and cannot be with on the basis of instinct alone is something that is acceptable. And worse yet who are you friends with here that everyone says to you that is a fabulous idea, you’re only ruining the lives of two people, one of which is actually important to you. Or maybe not who knows, the way that he’s acting via my sorry half connection would certainly tell me otherwise. Not to mention what type of fantastic brain washer are you that you can convince your children that this is best for them, and they could plausibly believe you. Ugh and I think I have mental problems, no I just have enormous amounts of emotional baggage, and I am painfully aware of mine as opposed to them, who have no clue that there is even an issue. But I am such a sap that I still refuse to see it that way, to even conceive that that would be possible. And if it is please for the love of anything, for the love of my sanity, please let me know how. This would most definitely help me out in a huge way, and it would most definitely help my career, which I am slowly but surely killing by my lack of focus and motivation on it. So, welp olga I suppose you have won just as I said you wouldn’t do, congratulations, I am verging suicidal and I have yet to want to thank you and I still cant see the greater good…all I see is blackness, my life devoid of the light and happiness it was filled with before. So please by all means go celebrate, pour some vodka, get behind your mazarati and feel free to crash your perfect Californian life which I have been forbidden to be a part of.

may 26

I check my phone more often than the paparrazi take pictures; it’s getting to be a bit extreme. I also embarrassed to admit that despite it being exactly six weeks since I’ve even seen my ex that I still have his facebook set to my phone so I can pathetically paruse his latest outings, all of which look like something I should have done with him. The degree to my patheticness is disturbing, and yet I have no plans on changing it anytime soon. Because in some warped distorted world its my way of being connected to him, as if knowing that he’s living his life without me as I should be without him will make him want me back anymore or him knowing that I’m miserable will change his decision. For the record the logical side of me knows it won’t, the other half however is not nearly as level headed. That part of me, the idealistic hopeless romantic (which is definitely more than half for the record) still believes that our relationship is a fairytale and in fairytales the prince comes running after the princess when he realizes what a monumental mistake that he has made and they live happily ever after. I am still waiting for that fairytale. I’m still waiting for that happily ever after…I may be waiting forever who knows.

I am 27…I am 27 and single. And the man I thought, or more accurately knew, I was going to spend the rest of my life with left me because of his mother. Not in a weird Oedipus kind of way, but in a I wasn’t good enough for her baby when she met me two years ago so peace out homeslice kind of way, all with a nasty Russian accent. Her name is olga and she ruined my life, my dreams of a perfect little Californian family complete with a tan children and a house by the beach. A Russian woman named olga who met me once decided what path I get to take as if it were her decision to make, how messed up is that…how messed up did that make me? I thought I was getting a ring and instead I got the boot. Wowzers.

So where does that leave me. Do I give up and wipe the past three years out of my memory and hope to god they don’t creep up on me when I’m not looking? I don’t know how well that will work, for some reason whenever you run from feelings they end up chasing you down at the worst possible moment, its unbelievably uncanny really. Not to mention I doubt that I am at all capable of such self-restraint. At this point I am still reliving our life together over and over in my head, fast forwarding through the fights to the make ups realizing (and rationalizing) that all relationships have issues so its ok that I do that right now. I’m not saying we were perfect but in our own little way we were, fights and all. And I ask a lot of whys, why aren’t I good enough for them? Why doesn’t he fight for me? Why doesn’t he tell them to fuck off and being that judgemental makes you a bad person? Why why why. All of these are unanswerable of course but it doesn’t stop me from doing it. And of course the most popular one is do you think he’ll come back and when everyone says no, because everyone does say no, I scowl at them saying you don’t know that and he doesn’t tell anyone what he’s feeling so you cant say that. So yes I suppose this puts me in the big old land of denial. But for right now denial is all I have to hold onto, that and facebook, neither of which bring him back to me in any real sense.