may 27

This is stupid…really really stupid. Why isn’t it ok to just call him tell him this and we’d live just like the fairytale id imagined? Oh Ill tell you why, because at this point I haven’t spoken to him in who knows how long (ok I know how long…again reaffirming my patheticness) and I’m pretty sure he has no anticipation of ever trying to speak to me again, let alone come running into my arms at a statement of the obvious. But really how archaic of a world do you live in that telling your children whom they can and cannot be with on the basis of instinct alone is something that is acceptable. And worse yet who are you friends with here that everyone says to you that is a fabulous idea, you’re only ruining the lives of two people, one of which is actually important to you. Or maybe not who knows, the way that he’s acting via my sorry half connection would certainly tell me otherwise. Not to mention what type of fantastic brain washer are you that you can convince your children that this is best for them, and they could plausibly believe you. Ugh and I think I have mental problems, no I just have enormous amounts of emotional baggage, and I am painfully aware of mine as opposed to them, who have no clue that there is even an issue. But I am such a sap that I still refuse to see it that way, to even conceive that that would be possible. And if it is please for the love of anything, for the love of my sanity, please let me know how. This would most definitely help me out in a huge way, and it would most definitely help my career, which I am slowly but surely killing by my lack of focus and motivation on it. So, welp olga I suppose you have won just as I said you wouldn’t do, congratulations, I am verging suicidal and I have yet to want to thank you and I still cant see the greater good…all I see is blackness, my life devoid of the light and happiness it was filled with before. So please by all means go celebrate, pour some vodka, get behind your mazarati and feel free to crash your perfect Californian life which I have been forbidden to be a part of.