may 29

Today has been a bad day. Unproductive and painful. Seriously I cannot get passed this, why? I am making myself sick over this, I can’t eat so at least im getting a bit skinnier which should be a bonus but doesn’t even make me feel better it makes me feel worse. And now here I am at 2 pm on a Sunday already writing. i dont even know why i started this silly blog. it was my sisters idea i suppose, thinking that for some reason my writing ability would be put to good use if it were out in cyberspace or something. it should be cathartic right? but the issue is that i dont even know if it is...it doesnt bring him back, it doesnt make him question his decision and it most certainly doesnt change my outlook, which at this point is dismal at best. and id like to recant my prior entry, thinking that movies are helpful. at this point i am beginning to believe all that they do is provide false hope, a false hope that i should not have right now. i know i need to move on, to give up and say to myself, stephanie why the hell would you want to be in a relationship where the person you love cant stand up for you, where you love someone so much more than they love you, where your inlaws hate you for no reason and will never change their mind no matter how many cards, gifts and expressions of love you send them. any sane person would say good riddens, thank goodness i got out of that mess before i got into deep. yes that would make sense...now only if i could do it.

i almost started crying at the sight of parents walking their baby this morning, oh hello not normal nice to see you. and im not crying because i want a baby and think ill never have one (that is why god invented sperm banks and one night stands). no i almost lost it because that is the way i pictured my life with him, and in all honestly that is how i think he imagined it with me for a really long time. im just not sure when he stopped and i kept going for both of us...hopefully they werent too far away from each other because well then that makes me quite foolish, doesnt it.

so goal for today: breathe, fake a smile at strangers and try to concentrate on all you have right now...school. you do have boards in less than a month that and youve worked so hard for so many years it would be a shame to give up that too. i guess thats all for now, so until tomorrow....