may 26

I check my phone more often than the paparrazi take pictures; it’s getting to be a bit extreme. I also embarrassed to admit that despite it being exactly six weeks since I’ve even seen my ex that I still have his facebook set to my phone so I can pathetically paruse his latest outings, all of which look like something I should have done with him. The degree to my patheticness is disturbing, and yet I have no plans on changing it anytime soon. Because in some warped distorted world its my way of being connected to him, as if knowing that he’s living his life without me as I should be without him will make him want me back anymore or him knowing that I’m miserable will change his decision. For the record the logical side of me knows it won’t, the other half however is not nearly as level headed. That part of me, the idealistic hopeless romantic (which is definitely more than half for the record) still believes that our relationship is a fairytale and in fairytales the prince comes running after the princess when he realizes what a monumental mistake that he has made and they live happily ever after. I am still waiting for that fairytale. I’m still waiting for that happily ever after…I may be waiting forever who knows.

I am 27…I am 27 and single. And the man I thought, or more accurately knew, I was going to spend the rest of my life with left me because of his mother. Not in a weird Oedipus kind of way, but in a I wasn’t good enough for her baby when she met me two years ago so peace out homeslice kind of way, all with a nasty Russian accent. Her name is olga and she ruined my life, my dreams of a perfect little Californian family complete with a tan children and a house by the beach. A Russian woman named olga who met me once decided what path I get to take as if it were her decision to make, how messed up is that…how messed up did that make me? I thought I was getting a ring and instead I got the boot. Wowzers.

So where does that leave me. Do I give up and wipe the past three years out of my memory and hope to god they don’t creep up on me when I’m not looking? I don’t know how well that will work, for some reason whenever you run from feelings they end up chasing you down at the worst possible moment, its unbelievably uncanny really. Not to mention I doubt that I am at all capable of such self-restraint. At this point I am still reliving our life together over and over in my head, fast forwarding through the fights to the make ups realizing (and rationalizing) that all relationships have issues so its ok that I do that right now. I’m not saying we were perfect but in our own little way we were, fights and all. And I ask a lot of whys, why aren’t I good enough for them? Why doesn’t he fight for me? Why doesn’t he tell them to fuck off and being that judgemental makes you a bad person? Why why why. All of these are unanswerable of course but it doesn’t stop me from doing it. And of course the most popular one is do you think he’ll come back and when everyone says no, because everyone does say no, I scowl at them saying you don’t know that and he doesn’t tell anyone what he’s feeling so you cant say that. So yes I suppose this puts me in the big old land of denial. But for right now denial is all I have to hold onto, that and facebook, neither of which bring him back to me in any real sense.