june 10

well i guess technically its june 11 but same difference. i just got back from bridesmaids, it was a cute movie, but in a way it made me sad. not the actual movie, just the whole i am so depressed that i cant even get through a movie without comparing it to my own situation. silly really, the way i am behaving is pure silliness if we want to be honest. i mean while were on the whole honest boat i guess its time to admit that maybe cuteboy didnt break up with me just because of his parents, because if he did he would have come back by now, maybe part of him thought we wouldnt work either. and that makes me not only idealistic (which i knew) but jaded by my own emotions (which i really didn't). how does that happen, that one person still completely loves the other without falter while the other doesn't feel the same way? its an unanswerable question i suppose, i just wish i knew, wish that i saw what he did. maybe then i wouldn't be in such a predicament. in retrospect as much as it pains me to admit i did see him pulling away...perhaps thats what made me try to hold on stronger, only it had the opposite effect. of course i will never find out that answer, im not sure he could even tell me if he did know.

its still so hard to imagine myself with anyone else and even worse to imagine him with anyone else. i still feel him next to me, i hear his voice say i love you in my head, i am grasping at straws and nothing is coming up. and that cant be fixed, at least not for the time being. people say time heals everything, but does it? or does it just make the memory so faint that it no longer resides in the forefront of your brain, so youre able to function as if that person isnt existing in parallel probably doing the same thing. i am beginning to wonder if we ever really get over things, im pretty sure i dont. again unanswerable questions. thats part of the difficulty of losing someone and until you let go of those questions, tuck them in a corner, occasionally wiping off the cobwebs to perseverate over in the privacy of your own mind, nothing can be resolved or more appropriately repressed.

sweet dreams my beauty queens, until tomorrow...