june 17

well cyberspace id like to deem it official, i am pathetic. its been two months...two months and i am still in basically the same place i was when i left cuteboy's house on that fateful day. how is that even possible. shouldn't i be marginally improved by now? i mean my life is going by, i'm going through the motions, but my head is a clusterfuck. the other i almost lost it, i'm talking full on tears lost it during my rotation. for pete's sake that is ridiculous. that is something that crazy people do! move on already girl, right? like hello, he isn't coming back and you need to adjust to the fact that yes you are in the same city and yes he is living his life without you and sitting here wishing isn't going to change that fact. i had to be talked off a serious ledge today...i mean i was seconds away from texting him, which would have been hello disaster. and now im sitting here crying my eyes out like it was yesterday. pa.thet.ic.

i just dont know how to let go. ill tell you what i was going to text him, just so its not in my head anymore (well solely my head...its always in my head)... i miss my best friend. and i feel like im going crazy. just tell me that you miss me too. and please dont pull a eug and tell me i know or im sorry, but that yes you miss me too. period. and i wont take it as a lets get back together, i just need to know that in some small fraction, youre going through this too, and i am no longer just an afterthought.

how do people do this, just pry themselves out of each others lives as if they never existed? and poof just like that three, four twenty years are nothing but memories without the actual individual attached to them, never to be spoken to again. its horrible really, the way we dismiss our relationships with others. horrible and sad. maybe im not like the rest of the world, that for some reason its just not possible for me, and i am holding onto someone who really doesnt want to be held onto. i dont know maybe its just me babbling, hoping that somewhere out there that my crazy voice gets heard.

i havent told anyone about this blog, but in a way i hope people find out about it, not so i get committed but because there has to be someone else out there that feels this way. that feels this lost and hopeless, like their lives are on the verge of seeming useless. and for some reason will feel a little less alone. because thats how i feel right now, completely alone. like no one has ever experienced this type of hurt or rejection, that their love ended for completely the wrong reason, and they dont know to rectify it in their head. again just me babbling. ok i suppose i should go back to pretending to study, as if my effort is actually correlated to the result. welp until another day...