june 9

so you would think by my absence that i was out living my life as if cuteboy never existed...but alas my friends this was not the case. i simply filled my time in wallows, questions and studying and was so exhausted that i couldn't write coherently. but fear not the public displays of wallowing and questioning are back. what has happened in the past week or so you may ask...nothing much. more of the same i'm afraid. pretending to study stalking my now very fb active ex go out and post a picture of food or drinks or something ridiculous of that sort. friend a bazillion new people. honestly i don't even know how he has time to socialize with all the time he must spend glued to his phone updating this or that. and its been confirmed...well be in LA at the same time, just as we planned, only ill be on my own lost and well alone, knowing that hes there too feeling quite the opposite. scary, huh, i know it incited quite the breakdown. although i have to admit that im getting better with the crying, i still feel that way but i think i'm starting to hide it better which is good because if one more person asks me about going on meds or seeing a doctor i'm going to blow my gasket. like i really need someone to verify that i'm depressed...um hello i think i am well aware of the signs of depression its kind of my mantra. in all honesty it scares me that i am starting to get used to looking at his life from a distance, because that means there is a very high probability that his memory of me is fading faster than...yep blanking...just fast. and insert reading in between the lines that it is actually possible to be without him and for him to be without me. i guess i knew that, i just didn't want to believe it, its scary and sad and i don't want to let go. i was so happy and letting go of that, letting go of him, letting go of my best friend, my confidante, my other half, is overwhelming. in some weird way i don't know that i want to replace it, and i know i know, i cant live alone forever, but no one is going to live up to my ridiculously high standards and i will just compare and compare until they all run away, and eventually ill be forced to settle. and that my friends is the saddest part of all. knowing in the deepest darkest corner of your heart that you wont let anyone fill those shoes so it will be forever empty, only half filled by the marginal replacement that is left to pick from. sad and awful. i wonder if he feels the same way. doubtful, i am pretty sure he let me go before i walked out the door...probably about the same time he gave me a card for our anniversary that said he couldn't imagine spending forever with anyone else. and on that note off to bed, maybe tonight ill sleep without having to line up my pillows next to me and pretend they're a person...fingers crossed, maybe tonight's the night.